第一篇：英语笑话
two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. he doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. the other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. he gasps, "my friend is dead! what can i do?". the operator says "calm down. i can help. first, let's make sure he's dead." there is a silence, then a shot is heard. back on the phone, the guy says "ok, now what?"
简单翻译:
两个猎人在森林里打猎,突然甲倒下了.并且看上去不再呼吸了,眼睛也变得呆滞.
乙赶紧拿起电话打给救护中心,上气不接下气的说:"我的朋友死了,怎么办?."
服务人员说:"淡定,我有办法.首先,我们N确保他是死了." 安静了一会儿,电话里响起了一阵枪声,电话那头乙说道:"好了,那接下来怎么办."
下面是被评选世界第二搞笑的笑话：
sherlock holmes and dr watson were going camping. they pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. sometime in the middle of the night holmes woke watson up and said: “watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”
watson replied: “i see millions and millions of stars.”
holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”
watson replied: “well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. and if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”
and holmes said: “watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”
简单翻译:甲乙一起去野营.他俩在星光下搭好帐篷然后睡去. 半夜的某时,甲叫醒乙:"抬头看看那些星星,然后告诉我你发现了什么?"乙:"我看见好多好多的星星."
甲:"如此你能推断出什么结论?"
乙回答道:"嗯...假如天上有无数的恒星,而且其中一些有自己的行星,那么很有可能就会有像地球一样的星球存在.假如有像地球一样的星球存在,那里还可能存在生物."
甲无语:"你个sb.这说明有人偷了我们的帐篷."
第二篇：英语笑话
英语笑话
笑话一：a woman gets on a bus with her baby. the bus driver says: "that's the ugliest baby that i've ever seen. ugh!" the woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. she says to a man next to her: "the driver just insulted me!" the man says: "you go right up there and tell him off C go ahead, i'll hold your monkey for you."(某女士带着宝宝坐公交车。司机说：“这是我见过最丑的宝宝。噢!”该女走到车厢后部坐下来，正恼怒得七窍生烟。她对邻座的男子说：“那司机刚才辱骂我!”男子说：“你过去让他滚――去吧，我会帮你把这猴子看好的。”)
笑话二：sherlock holmes and dr watson were going camping. they pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. sometime in the middle of the night holmes woke watson up and said: "watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see." watson replied: "i see millions and millions of stars." holmes said: "and what do you deduce from that?" watson replied: "well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. and if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life." and holmes said: "watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."(福尔摩斯和华生出去露营。他们在星空下支起帐篷然后入睡了。半夜时分，福尔摩斯叫醒华生，说：“华生，抬头看看天空，然后告诉我你看到了什么。”华生答道：“我看见了数以百万计的星星。”福尔摩斯说：“那你从这可以推断出什么结果呢?”华生又答：“哦，如果有几百万颗星星的话，即使里面只有少数的一些行星，那么就有可能存在像地球那样的行星。如果有像地球那样的行星，那上面就可能会有生命存在。”福尔摩斯：“华生你这个白痴，这意味着有人偷了俺们的帐篷。”
笑话三：two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. he doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. the other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. he gasps, "my friend is dead! what can i do?" the operator says "calm down. i can help. first, let's make sure he's dead." there is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. back on the phone, the guy says "ok, now what?"(两个猎人在树林里，这时其中一人倒下地。这人似乎已经没有呼吸，眼睛也呆滞无神。另一个家伙拿出电话呼叫应急服务。他气喘吁吁地说：“我的朋友挂了!我该怎么办?”话务员说：“冷静点，我可以帮你。首先，要确认他死了。”对方在电话里安静下来，然后听到一声枪响。那厮拿回电话：“搞定了，现在该干嘛了?”)
第三篇：英语笑话
1.a boy swore to a girl: 'honey, do please marry me, otherwise i'll die'
the girl refused. sixty years later, the boy died.
一男生向一女生发誓：亲爱的，请你一定要嫁给我，不然我会死掉的
女孩拒绝了。六十年后，那个男生死掉了。
2.teacher: johnny, why are you late for school every morning?
johnny: every time i come to the corner, a guidepost（路牌，路标） says, 'school -- go slow' 老师：约翰，为什么你每天早上都迟到呢？
约翰：每次我走到街角的时候，都有一块路牌写着：“学校-小心慢行”
3.teacher: tom, why are you so late for school tdoay? and where is your homework book? tom: sorry, miss. i met a robber on my way to school this morning...
teachse: oh, my gosh! so terrible! did he robber anything from you?
tom: he...he robbed my homework book....
老师：汤姆，你今天为什么迟到这么久？还有你的家庭作业本呢？
汤姆：对不起，老师，我今天在上学的路上遇上了一个抢劫犯……
老师：噢，天哪！太糟糕了！他抢了你什么东西没有？
汤姆：他……他抢走了我的家庭作业本……
4.a male crab met a female crab and asked her to marry him. she noticed that he was walking straight instead of sideways. wow, she thought, this crab is really special. i can't let him get away. so they got married immediately.
the next day she noticed her new husband waking sideways like all the other crabs, and got upset. "what happened?" she asked." you used to walk straight before we were married."
"oh, honey, " he replied, "i can't drink that much every day.
一只雄蟹遇到一只雌蟹，便要娶她为妻。她注意到他走路是直着走，而不是横着走。哇！她想，这只雄蟹可真特别，我可不能让他跑了。因此他们立刻结婚了。
第二天，她又发现她的新郎像其他蟹一样横着走路了。她深感不安。“你怎么了？”她问，“我们结婚前你可是直着走路的。”
“哦，宝贝，”他回答说，“我不可能每天都喝那么多many years after receiving my graduate degree, i returned to the state university of new york at binghamton as a faculty member. one day in a crowded elevator, someone remarked on its inefficiency. i said the elevators had not changed in the 20 years since i began there as a student.
when the door finally opened, i felt a compassionate pat on my back, and turned to see an elderly nun smiling at me. "you'll get that degree, dear," she whispered. "perseverance is a virtue."美 德
获取研究生学位多年以后，我回到位于宾翰顿的纽约州立大学当教员。一天，电梯里很拥挤，有人抱怨电梯效率太低。我说自我在那里当学生起，20年来电梯一直没有换过。
最后当电梯门打开时，我感到有人在我的背上同情地拍了一下，回过头来我看到一位年长的修女正在朝我微笑。“你会拿到学位的，亲爱的，”她低声说道：“坚持不懈是一种美德。”
1.和买驴的人
a man wanted to buy an ass. he went to the market, and saw a likely one. but he wanted totest him first. so he took the ass home, and put him into the stable with the other asses.
the new ass looked around, and immediately went to choose a place next to the laziest ass inthe stable. when the man saw this he put a halter on the ass at once, and gave him back to
his owner. the owner felt quite surprised. he asked the man, "why are you back so soon? haveyou tested him already?" "i don't want to test him any more," replied the man, "from thecompanion he chose for himself, i could see what sort of animal he is."
中文：一个买主到市场上去买驴，他看中一头外表不错的驴，但是他想要牵走试一试。他把驴牵回家，放
在自己其他的驴之间，这驴四处看看，立即走向一头好吃懒做的驴旁边。于是，买驴的人立刻给那头驴套
上辔头，牵去还给驴的卖主。卖主感到很奇怪，他问买主：“你怎么这么快就回来了？”买主说：“不必
再试了，从他所选择什么样的朋友来看，我已经知道他是什么样了。”
2.the looney bin
疯人院
late one night at the insane asylum (疯人院）one inmate shouted, "i am napoleon!"
another one said, "how do you know?"
the first inmate said, "god told me!"
just then, a voice from another room shouted, "i did not!"
一天晚上，在疯人院里，一个病人说："我是拿破仑！"另一个说："你怎么知道？"第一个人说："上帝对
我说的！"一会儿，一个声音从另一个房间传来："我没说！"
notes:
（1）looney (俚语）疯子
（2）inmate（n.同住者,同室者(特指在医院、监狱)）
（3）insane asylum (疯人院）
3.a mother mouse
老鼠的第二语言也重要
a mother mouse was out for a stroll with her babies when she
spotted a cat crouched behind a bush. she watched the cat, and
the cat watched the mice.
mother mouse barked fiercely, "woof, woof, woof!" the cat
was so terrified that it ran for it's life.
mother mouse turned to her babies and said, "now, do you
understand the value of a second language?"
一只母老鼠带着孩子出来散步，突然她看见一只猫正在灌木丛中虎视耽耽。
母老鼠向着猫叫道：“汪，汪，汪”，猫听了非常害怕，拼命跑走了。
母老鼠回过头洋洋自得的对孩子说：“现在你知道外语的重要性了吧。”1、life after death死后重生
"do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"yes, sir." the new recruit replied."well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on.
"after you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.
“你相信人能死后重生吗？”老板问他的一个员工。
“我相信，先生”。这位刚上班不久的员工回答。
“哦，那还好”。老板接着说。
“你昨天提早下班去参加你祖母的葬礼后，她老人家到这儿看你来了。”
2、talking clock
会说话的钟
while proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "what is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "that is the talking clock," the man replied. "how's it work?"
"watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "knock it off, you idiot! it's two o'clock in the morning!"
一个学生带他朋友们参观他的新公寓，甚是得意。“那个大铜锣和锤子是干什么用的？”他的一个朋友问他。“那玩意儿厉害了，那是一个会说话的钟”，学生回答。“这钟怎么工作的”，他的朋友问。“看着，别眨眼了”，那学生走上前一把操起铜锣和锤子，拼命地敲了一下，声音震耳欲聋。突然，他们听到隔壁墙那边有人狂叫，“别敲了，你这白痴！现在是凌晨两点钟了！”
3、pig or witch
猪还是女巫
a man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. a woman is driving down the same road. as they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "pig!!" the man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "witch(女巫)!!" they each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road. if only men would listen.
一个男人在一条陡峭狭窄的山路上驾车，一个女人相向驾车而来。他们相遇时，那个女的从窗中伸出头来叫到：“猪！！”那个男的立即从窗中伸出头来回敬道：“女巫！！”他们继续前行。这个男的在下一个路口转弯时，撞上了路中间的一头猪。要是这个男的能听懂那个女人的意思就好了。
4、blind date
相亲（笑话）
after being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave.when he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "i have some bad news. my grandfather just died.""thank heavens," his date replied. "if yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
和相亲对象呆了一晚上后，男人再也受不了了。他事先安排了个朋友给他打电话，这样他就能借故先离开了。当他回到桌边，他垂下眼睛，装出一副阴沉的表情，说：“有个不幸的消息，我的祖父刚刚去世了。”“谢天谢地！”他的约会对象说，“如果你的祖父不死，我的祖父就得死了！”
5、 the mean man's party
吝啬鬼的聚会
the notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow. when the door open, push with your foot."
"why use my elbow and foot?"
"well, gosh," was the reply, "you're not coming empty-handed, are you?"
一个声名狼藉的小气鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了后，再用你的脚把门推开。”
“为什么我要用我的肘和脚呢？”
“天哪！” 吝啬鬼回答，“你总不会空着手来吧？”一、
我们什么也没留下we left nothing
mrs brown was going out for the day. she locked the house and tacked a note for the milkman on the door: "nobody home. don?t leave anything." when she got back that night, she found her door broken open and her house ransacked. on the note she had left, she found the following message added:"thanks! we haven?t left anything!" 我们什么也没留下
布朗太太要外出一天。 她锁好了房门，在门上给送牛奶的人钉了一张便条：“家里没人，请不要留下任何东西！” 她当天晚上回家后发现房间门被撞开，房子被洗劫一空。在她留给送奶人的便条上，她发现被补充了一句：“谢谢！我们什么也没留下！”
我去应聘时，考官是一漂亮小姐，一紧张我说了如下内容：
二、
“my name is ?old five wang?”（我叫王老五）
“i boom （炸出）at 1971year！”（我生于1971年）※born我念成了boom，反正很像。 “my toyear is 28year”（今年28岁）※事后才知today是今天，但今年不是toyear。 “my home have a papa and a mama and a didi”（家里有爸妈跟一个弟弟）※其实我知道弟弟要用brother，但因念太顺了，所以念成didi。
“and a uncle and a young watch sister and a old watch sister live with us”（还有一个叔叔与一个表妹一个表姐跟我们住在一起）※事后才知表姐表妹都错了，watch是表没错，但是watch是指手表。可是我发誓读书时英文没教过表姐妹的英文。
“my interest is sing song、see movie、xxxx do computer and push horse road”（我的兴趣是唱歌、看电影、操作电脑和压马路）※我念到操作电脑时，她有咦的一声，这小姐会不会听不懂。后来我才知道英文骂人的“操”字跟“操作”的字是不同的。
“my special long is up internet、sales、play power move
game and beat word”（我的专长是上网、业务、玩电动玩具和打字）
“in the future i hope can go round travel world and help everybody all very happy”（在未来我希望能去环游世界和能帮助每一个人都很快乐）
“thank you and over！”（谢谢！完了！）
那小姐整整愣了一分钟。
三、
next time that you think you?re having a bad day
the average cost of rehabilitate one seal after the valdez oil spill in alaska was $80,000. at a special ceremony, two of the most expensively-saved animals were released into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. a minute later, a killer whale ate them both.
阿拉斯加瓦尔迪兹发生石油泄漏以后，救援每只海豹的平均费用达到8万美元。在一个特别的仪式上面，有两只花巨款拯救回来的海豹，在人们的欢呼和掌声中被放回大自然。一分钟后，它们双双被一头杀人鲸吞入肚中。
四、
blind date(相亲）
after being with her all evening, the man couldnt take another minute with his blind date.
earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave.
when he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said,
"i have some bad news. my grandfather just died.
""thank heavens," his date replied. "if yours hadnt, mine would(一篇常用范文带来更多轻松Www.rNgnET.COm) have had to!"
和相亲对象呆了一晚上后,男人再也受不了了.
他事先安排了个朋友给他打电话,这样他就能借故先离开了.
当他回到桌边,他垂下眼睛,装出一副阴沉的表情,说：“有个不幸的消息,我的祖父刚刚去世了.”
“谢天谢地！”他的约会对象说,“如果你的祖父不死,我的祖父就得死了！”
...
五、
小男孩与驴子 a small boy and a donkey
a small boy leading a donkey passed by an army camp.
a couple of soldiers wanted to have some fun with the lad. what are you holding onto your brother so tight for, sonny? asked one of them.
so he wont join the army,英语笑话带翻译 the youngster replied without blinking an eye. 一个小男孩牵着头驴子穿过部队营房.
两名士兵想跟小家伙开个玩笑：小孩,你把你哥哥牵得这么紧干什么？
这样,他就不会去参军了.小家伙眼都不眨地回答道.
第四篇：英语笑话 英语故事
a good boy
little robert asked his mother for two cents.
"what gave you yesterday?"
did you do with the money i "i gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"you’re a good boy," said the mother proudly.
"here are are two woman?"
you so interested cents more. in but the why old "she is the one who sells the candy."好孩子
小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。 ””昨天给你的钱干什么了？”我给了一个可怜的老太婆，“
你真是个好孩子，“妈妈骄傲地说。“他回答说。“再给 你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”
“她是个卖糖果的。”
if i am a manager
one assigned day in class, the teacher composition his all the students began to write except C if i am a managerstudents to write .
a a boy. the teacher went to him and asked the reason.
“i am waiting for my secretary,” was the boy’s answer如果我是一个经理.
一天课上，老师要同学们以“如果我是一个经理”为题写一篇作文。 所有的学生都在动笔写了，只有一个男生例外。老师走过去问他为什么不写。 “我在等我的秘书”。那孩子答道。
big hands
teacher: one otherhand if and i had eight seven oranges oranges in the in student: big hands.
, what would i have? 大手
老师：如果我左手上有7个桔子，右手上有8个桔子。那么我有什么？ 学生：大手。
it's not my fault
mother daughter): you mustn't pull the cat's (reprimanding her small tail.
daughter: i'm the cat's doing the pulling.
only holding it, mom. 不是我的错
妈妈（正教训她的女儿）：你不该拽猫的尾巴。 女儿：妈，我只是握着猫尾巴，它自己在拽。
to buy a video
amos asked his mother whether they could have a video.
i’m afraid we can’t afford one, sighed his motherbut on the following day in came
.
amos, staggering beneath the weight of a brand-new video.
how on earth did you pay for that? gasped his mothereasy, mum. replied amos, i sold the .
television!
买录像机
艾莫斯问妈妈他们是否能买一台录像机。 恐怕我们还买不起，妈妈叹息着说。 可第二天当艾莫斯回来时，他摇摇晃晃地搬着一台全新的录像机。
你究竟是哪儿来的钱买这东西？妈妈大吃一惊，喘着气说。
妈妈，这简单， 艾曼斯回答。我把电视机给卖了！
two pieces of cake
tom: mom, can i have two pieces of cake, please?
mom: certainly -- take this piece and cut it two!
两块蛋糕
汤姆：妈妈，我可以吃两块蛋糕吗？ 妈妈：当然可以----拿这块蛋糕把它切成两块吧！
第五篇：英语幽默笑话
you've lost your morality
你节操掉了
six people were travelling in a compartment on atrain.
有六个人搭乘火车旅行，坐在同一车箱内。
five of them were quiet and well behaved,
其中五个很安静，也很规矩。
but the sixth was a rude young man who was causing a lot of trouble to the other passengers.
但第六个是个粗鲁的年轻人，给其他乘客招惹了许多麻烦。
at last this young man got out at a station with his two heavy bags. 最后，这位年轻人在一个车站带着两个沉重的皮箱下了车。
none of the other passengers helped him,
没有一个旅客帮他的忙。
but one of them waited until the rude young man was very far away and then opened thewindow and shouted to him,
有个人一直等到这位粗鲁的年轻人走得很远了，才打开窗户，对着他大声喊：
"you left something behind in the compartment!" then he closed the window again.
“你把东西留在车厢里了!”然后，又把窗户关了起来。
the young man truned around and hurried back with his two bags.
年轻人转过身子，拎着两个沉甸甸的皮箱，匆匆赶了回来。
he was very tired when he arrived, but he shouted through the window, "what did i leavebehind?"
他转回来时，显得非常疲倦，对着窗户大声喊：“我把什么东西留在车上了？”
as the train began to move again, the passenger who had called him back opened the windowand said, "you've lost your morality"
当火车再次启动时，叫他回来的旅客打开窗户说：“你节操掉了！”